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Communicating your wedding needs to THAT family member

For the bride…to share with the groom

Every wedding carries with it its’ own measure of stress but sometimes for the Bride this stress comes in the face of close relatives and even friends. On occasion it could also show itself in the face of the Coordinator or Officiary. This column offers some helpful advice on how to deal with these stressful faces in a healthy way.

The most important voice on your wedding day next to your soon-to-be-spouse is yours. Notice I did not say only important voice. This is where bad advice can lead to a sure wedding disaster for some Brides and their families.

Emotions run high in weddings. Your big day is supposed to be a celebratory time where you feel supported and valued but from one human to another, no-one has a perfect family. Not even Cinderella. So the best you can do is learn to love and respect each person involved and respectfully make the decision you and your Groom feel is best.

Below I have outlined some “difficult people profiles” you may come across in your wedding haze (you may recognize some of these characters):

The Scarecrow- the honest, helpful soldier who is at your beck and call but is so terribly unreliable for he/she is ever searching where they left their brain.

The Tinman-the intellect; the one with the gameplan; Mr.  Realist, the one who brings feet to your wedding plans but who can never ever understand why you must have THAT song as the processional and why you can’t possibly have Aunt Suszie pick out the bouquet. 

The Lion- the loud, intimidating general. Secretly trying to cover up their true fearful feelings of letting you go, they do a whole lot of unnecessary roaring.

The Witch- the energy-sucking sore tooth. The one who causes

you ulcers and groans before the subject is even broached. She has carefully planned your demise. Grit your teeth, dear girl, you will have your one shot to be a princess, yet!

Toto- the one who is nipping at your toes all the time, causing you to trip. Running around you in circles, busy-busy-busy, without ever getting anything done and when you need her most she is no where to be found.

A way to deal with any one of these faces is to learn to set up healthy boundaries. Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend have written extensively on this subject.  In their book Boundaries, these authors offer some principles for dealing specifically with difficult people. Below are some principles I have pieced together from reading their book and others like it, from my own experience with difficult people at my wedding and in life, and by watching other Brides deal with difficult people at their weddings.

Make Thoughtful, Deliberate Plans Out Of Desire, Out of Wisdom…Not Guilt

Go ahead and make your plans with your Groom because you want to and because it makes sense (it fits into your budget, it works for you both, etc…) but do you both a favor and refuse to get caught making decisions because you were guilted into it. Tinman will truly be okay if his/her plans aren’t heeded 100%. Besides, how badly can you hurt a rust can with no heart??  

Respond Don’t React

It is much easier to shark attack (if you are so wired that way) when the Witch is up to her old antics or to shrink back into your turtle shell than to react in a way that is positive for both. But my advice to you is this: learn to respond appropriately by sticking up for what is best while not adding more fuel to the fire. When it comes to your wedding plans, remember that you and your Groom’s decisions are what is best so think through what you are going to say and say it carefully but don’t give The Witch the satisfaction of your anger and frustration.

Say No…Kindly

Do not be afraid to say no. Always respect the individual (yes, even one as devious as The Witch) by listening to their opinions, letting them know that you heard their request, and than in the kindness way possible say NO.

Compromise…Don’t Cave

In dealing with Lions, specifically the one flipping the bill, there is a helpful skill a Bride can  use in her backpocket. Its called artful compromise. As long as Mr. Lion (or Mrs.) is seeing that his/her way is being respected at least to some small degree and that he/she is being heard, and you have made sure to offer some affirmation as tip, you ought to still his/her roar at least for a little so you can busy yourself with more important matters. Don’t ever, ever cave to the Lion’s demands. This will only cause your entire wedding to self-destruct.

As for The Scarecrow, the best thing you can do for him/her is to simply not rely on him/her without their knowing it. Always give them tasks that involve helping the more reliable friends. Offer their name to Coordinators simply as helpers to decorate, set up, etc…but don’t ask them to do something you would be terribly disappointed if it didn’t happen.

And Toto?? Well, keep these types busy with small projects. There is always plenty to do between centerpieces and picking up the flowers. Send them solo or throw in The Scarecrow. Either way you will need at least one to two reliable people at your side to knock out this big day. The Scarecrow is not one of them.

When it comes to what color the table runners should be, or whether or not you ought to invite Great Aunt Margaret or hire Darkershadesofbrown as your photographer (which I highly recommend), stick to your guns, practice the above principles with opposers, and have fun.  Whatever wedding chaos you might find yourself in, all you have to do is to click those shiny heels together and repeat after Dorothy “There’s no place like home…there’s no place like home.”

Afterall, that is what is waiting for you at the end of the aisle… a new home.

Mrs. Darkershadesofbrown

AKA JJ